When the American Psychiatric Association removed homosexuality from the lists of  mental disorders in 1973, it punctuated a turning point in our society suggesting it was time to redefine what is and what is not ‘normal.’  Research has shown that gays and lesbians are not usually despondent over the direction of their sexual energy, rather their greatest emotional challenges come from a homphobic society that does not know how to make room for differing sexual orientations. What we need at this time in our history are theolgies that can flex with our increased understanding of what it means to be fully human.

     Five years ago, as part of my own growing curiousity and professional development in this area, I conducted a survey that interviewed people in the GLBT community about what they felt was most helpful and most harmful in thier spiritual development.    Every time I recorded the sacred stories of people’s lives, I felt I was standing on holy ground.  Those who allowed me to collect their stories did so with their blessings and hope that others might be encouraged to continue their own spiritual journeys as well.  As a result I have been leading seminars on gay spirituality the past several years at National conventions of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, and written my first book, “Coming  Out, Coming Home, Making  Room for Gay Spirituality in Therapy.” (Routledge, 2009, 273 pages)  To see a video about me talking about the book and why I felt  the need to write it click this link:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0UhUhUz-EiM 

 My conclusion? Gay spirituality is a gift of  life. It is not an impossible mix of oil and water, but something more akin to water turning into fine wine, a blessing whose time has come for all who have felt estranged by the perception of difference. (See my book release pages on my website for more information.

   For those who are affected by our dark days, I recommend an experimental  trip to Seattle’s Indoor Sun Shoppe in Fremont. It may well be a very enLIGHTENING excursion for them. One of the store’s  specialties is Bright Light Therapy, a known treatment for people suffering from depression and SAD. During Light Therapy, a person sits or works near a light therapy box that gives off a bright full spectrum light mimicking natural outdoor lighting. Exposure to this kind of treatment is thought to alter a person’s circadium rhythms and support the body’s  natural release of melatonin. Together these can cause a biochemical change in your brain that helps reduce SAD and other depressive symptoms.   Check it out at (www.indoorsun.com, or visit the store in person on a gloomy day, head to the back corner on the right and try out a dose of sunlight. See how it feels, maybe this is what will help you through the next few months.

Therapy can make you happier than a big fat raise!
November 30,2009

   I ran across this little gem and just had to share it.

Research has shown that you really CAN’T buy happiness, which really shoots holes in the idea  we all have once in awhile when we exclaim “ If I only won the lottery I would ______" (fill in the blank) Of course it goes without saying that we think that would really make us happy. Well, it would certainly go along way to one’s personal debt reduction, but would it really make you happy?

   The Universities of Warwick and Manchester, have found that psychological therapy could be 32 times more cost effective at making you happy, than just getting  a pile of money. These studies compared large amounts of data from 1,000 people who reported on their sense of well being. Then they looked at how well-being changed due to therapy, compared to sudden increases in income. What they found was that a 16 week course of therapy, that cost about $1,600 had a large effect on personal well being, and that in fact, the personal gain in happiness was so large that it would take a pay raise of over $50,000 to achieve an equivalent increase in well being! Thus, therapy could be 32 times more cost effective at making you happy than getting that big fat raise. (Incidentally, this study makes therapists very happy to hear that!)

  This study went on to suggest that governments would be much better off if they increased the access and availability of mental health care as opposed to increasing economic growth. This further illustrates that point that over the last 50 years, developed countries have not seen any increases in national happiness in spite of the fact that they have had huge economic gains. On the other hand, funding for mental health is on the decline.  Hmmm, It seems that something is way off here!

University of Warwick researcher Chris Boyce said; “Often the importance of money for improving our well-being and bringing greater happiness is vastly overvalued in our societies. The benefits of having good mental health, on the other hand, are often not fully appreciated and people do not realize the powerful effect that psychological therapy, such as non-directive counseling, can have on improving our well being.”

    This is not an uncommon realization in therapy, we can’t make someone else happy, nor can we except them to increase our sense of well being. Happiness is a gift that comes from knowing who you are, being content with your own sense of wonder,  and living an authentic life… and you can take that to your therapist!

(read more at http://www2.warwick.ac.uk/newsandevents/pressreleases/therapy_32_times/


 

Need a new wife , or a new view of life?
December 7,2009 

Whoops! Did I type that right?  I know the title sounds a bit crazy…but hear me out, and imagine this scene…

    You’ve been going to bed the same person for twenty years, but today as you wake up, wondering who she really is. She’s been a bit distant lately after your last heated discussion and this morning you notice that her hair is disheveled, and she still has those earplugs in her head, which she says is because YOU snore! Grunting a “Whatever”  you trundle off to the bathroom, thinking “so this is marital bliss?”  Of course when you glance at the grizzly faced middle aged guy in the mirror, who just farted, and realize that those hefty love handles aren’t exactly a turn on either. But since you’ve got to get to work early these days, there’s no need for a peck on the cheek as you leave the house. Driving off to work you think you deserve more, and fantasize what it would be like to fall in love again, and then this crazy thought crashes into your little grey cells, “I need a new wife, to get a new life.” Whoa! Where did that come from? Is that just a random thought, or is it a warning shot being fired over the bow of your love-boat?

     I’ve been helping people with troubled relationships for years, where I often remind people that love is more than a feeling of bliss, it is also a choice. People don’t fall out of love overnight. They let love relationships get stale, forgetting to open the windows of kindness and respect to air the room. Lacking oxygen, love will wither on the vine. Every relationship needs to be nurtured in order to be alive.  To love another person for a lifetime is not only a commitment to stick it out with each other through thick and thin; it involves a series of choices made on a daily basis.

    Do you remember what it looked like when you were first attracted you to each other in the first place and the kinds of activities and interest did you shared?  Can you see how you prioritized making time for each other?  Where did those people go? What was your view of love like back then?  What is your view of love today? Hopefully it has matured beyond having a good hair day.

    It is a choice to decide to view each other in a positive light, and to forgive the  mistakes in judgment we all make.  When your partner makes a stupid comment or is just in an irritable mood, it is also a choice to judge, become critical or take it as personal rejection.  However, you can also choose to remember that your loved one is just having a bad day, or week, or made a mistake that needs your forgiveness.  Global thinking that says “George is a hopeless idiot” is toxic. Seeing your partner in  context as a loving person who just didn't catch the clue train today is a smart choice that will help you to continue acting in loving ways.

     Falling out of love happens when people forget to keep things in perspective. It happens when people forget to make time for each other when they have kids. It happens when we blame others for the unhappiness in our own lives. To say ‘we just fell out of love’ is lame because it fails to reflect any self agency.  Falling out of love is a result of choices to disengage.It is not like falling into a lake with your clothes on. Do you really need a new wife to find a new life?  Or do you just need to decide to turn towards each other again to  re-create a new life together?

   If you could use a marriage tune up,  send an e mail to ken@kenburrcounseling.com


 

EAT MORE DARK CHOCOLATE! (Resolution #1)
January 2 ,2010

        4.       Chocolate contains antioxidants that can expand your lifespan. Of course you don’t want to overdo this and also expand your waistline and  
       blood sugars. A great piece of high quality dark the size of a Hershey kiss is all you need. One of the Christmas gifts I received was Theo   
       Chocolate’s Dark Caramel with Ghost Chili. Simply put…OMG! One bite will set you free! If this is a sample of what’s to come, this is a promise
      we will want to keep!

Date Night!   (Resolution #2)
January 4, 2010    

      Since we have all agreed that more dark chocolate is the first resolution that we WANT to keep for the New Year it’s time to consider the second fun item that will be enticing to implement this year.   One of my favorites is a regular Date Night.  Although it may seem that we live in a culture saturated with marriage problems, and a 50% divorce rate, we need to also remember that half of the relationships DO work and last and may be the most fulfilling love relationships in human history.  In my experience there is one factor continues to help keep the fun alive in any relationship (and it is NOT the FUN in dysfunction!) 

   Date night is something that too many couples forget when they become buried in work and parenting obligations.  However, when a date night is implemented on a regular basis, it can keep things in proper perspective in a marriage:  Someday the kids will leave home, and the job we feel so attached to will either change or go the way of retirement. When it’s all said and done, the friendship factor s in our primary relationships will be the most important and rewarding parts of our lives.  If we are partnered with our best friend, we will most likely have a long, and fulfilling life together.

    So what would Date night look like? How about a movie and dinner out, watch a new play in town, hit up a sports event, take a long walk around Green Lake with a stop at your favorite place for a beverage to talk about your week, take dance lessons together (remembering to laugh when you step on each other’s feet) invite friends over for game night or Saturday night pizza and a DVD, etc. You get the picture.   It doesn’t have to be expensive; for instance, last weekend my wife and I arranged a  DATE DAY. After a home cooked breakfast, we took in a wonderful hike  around Discovery Park,  followed by the finding a wood fired pizza place in Ballard (Vincentes!), and ended up seeing a  $3.00 movie at  the Crest. Total cost for the day….$30. Value to the relationship? Priceless!

     Some couples make use of these times to remember their life goals, or the character qualities that drew people together. It can be a time for dreaming together about the future, planning the next vacation, or just catching up on the week’s events. The point is to find a relaxing and enjoyable way to spend time together, other than sitting in front of the boob tube in silence for hours on end. Sure it takes some motivation to do something different, but adding in the positive fun stuff, makes people want to invest in each other’s life much more, and helps weather the difficult things we all face from time to time.

    So, Resolution #2 is to make DATE NIGHT happen at some point every week or two. This year, I’m not going to  let a month go by without at least 4 times reserved only for each other. Time spent together in fun ways keeps us connected and more aware of why we  chose each other in the first place.  Laughter, adventure, discovery and fun helps each of us focus on the important values of our lives and unlike the stock market, we CAN take that to the (emotional) bank account!

Living with Compassion. (Resolution #3)
January 9,2010

            After getting a haircut on a rainy day, I walked back to my car parked on a Ballard side street, started the car to get the defroster going, checked my cell phone for messages, only to experience a terrible shock when hearing a horrid thump.   Across the street from me, an elderly man had smashed his bicycle into a curb, flew over the handle bars and ended up laying face down on the sidewalk. He was NOT moving! From my black leather interior luxuriated with Bose surround sound, I panned the scene to see who was going to help this old guy, only to realize that person was me. Running over, afraid he was seriously injured, I was greatly relieved to find him squirming and moaning. The red stained stocking cap revealed he had hit his forehead and there was an accompanying stream of blood flowing from his nose. Even though he kept saying, “I’m all right, it’s was no big deal, Man” it figured that since it looked like he had been drinking all afternoon, he wasn’t feeling much pain. Making it quite clear that he did not NEED my help, I did not know what to do. So I simply offered him my handkerchief which he slowly accepted to remove the blood from his face. In turn, he smiled and gave me a fist bump, calling me “Brother,” and for a moment we just sat there united in our humanity, grateful to be alive. I don’t know if he remembers me or not but the image of his fist bump keeps playing over and over in my mind. Most of us don’t want advice, or pity, or someone to fix our problems, we just want someone to care for us and bear witness to our lives.

    I      In these times of economic uncertainty, where people are more apt to lose their tempers, instigate some kind of road rage, or just become more self centered in their urge to survive, compassion is often tossed to the side. Instead we often hear reactions to the slights we receive; how stupid someone was, how someone has “done us wrong” and the ensuring nasty little gossip that we feel will make us look superior or smarter than the morons who surround us.  When irritability increases, charitable donations recede, and food banks become empty.  Whoa! Is this the way we way we really want to live? Why not make another New Year’s resolution, allowing compassion to be the one gift we will give to each other every day?

            Compassion can be given to street people, who have stories beyond any assumptions we may have about their lives, or ragged clothes. Compassion can be given each day to our friends and co workers who disappoint us, and to our partners and spouses who at times fail to love us in the way WE feel we most deserve. Compassion is the principle each parent desires to install into their children when they screw up, and act stupid, because it also helps us recognize that everyone makes mistakes, betrays a trust, tells a ‘white’ lie, or avoids the truth at times, especially when we feel threatened. Living with compassion in our homes and our work places is what helps us get along and adds to our purpose in living; it chooses to remember that good can outweigh the bad in a strained relationship if we look for it. Because Compassion is the core of all true spirituality, when we put it  into practice, we remind ourselves that we are enough, our core is good, and that money or position in life is not what we am really all about.

            Come to think about it,  when life gets messy,  Compassion will  always encourage us to pull out the white handkerchief of peace.



Watch this video !  (Resolution #4)
 January 10, 2010

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nThZjJlf-RA


     To get inspired to make your own positive changes for this year, watch this zany video of hope from Caffe' Medici, in Austin Texas, and let me know what ideas YOU come up with!

Ken@kenburrcounseling.com



Happiness is NOT a New Lincoln!
February 4, 2010

     Cars are one of my weaknesses.   By the time I was able to ride a bike out of the neighborhood, my buddy Steve and I visited all the car dealers in Lake City each Fall to catch the unveiling of exciting new models that came out every year about September 20.^th Unless you were there, you just can’t imagine how exciting it was to be the first to glimpse the Ivory 1959 Chevy Impala 2 door hardtop with the red stripe flowing into batwing fins; or to sit in a red 1964 Mustang convertible and imagine how happy you would be if you could own one someday. 

       So when I drove by this rare pink 57 Lincoln the other day, that I felt the urge to go back and gawk. Although 15,185 were produced there is a guess that only 86 exist today. During the era when people measured greatness by “Chrome, Fins and Tonnage,” this car had to be the epitome of envy in its day. When few cars had power equipment, this flamingo colored beauty had power windows, brakes, steering, antenna, air conditioning and a huge 368 V8 engine equipped with dual exhausts that exited through portholes in massive chrome bumpers. And those fins!! My goodness, not even Cadillac had fins this showy in 1957!     But within a year or two it was no longer called “the most beautiful car in production.” It had been eclipsed by bigger, faster, sexier nemesis; and within a few decades this former beauty queen would become clutter. It’s just the nature of our possessions; they get old, rusty and out of date. If we are base our happiness on the mantra that “he or she who has the most toys wins” we really don’t end up being happy.

 

    So what’s the wisdom from an old Lincoln? Buying trendy stuff….is a loser in the long range happiness department. We may not be buying luxury cruisers, but how many American’s end up hobby shopping? Since our economic downturn many people are depressed because they are not able to “shop till they drop.” But what did we get in return? More stuff, more clutter, more unread books and another pair of pants that no longer fit. Better to put things on a wish list and wait a month to see if we still think it will make us happy, or if there is some other way to bring enjoyment to our lives.

   On the other hand the money we spend on experiences contributes to our happiness much more than our stuff does. Vacations, theatre tickets, dining with friends, is a better pay off and if in the process it brought us closer to the people in our lives, we will rank the value of those times as priceless.   It’s been said that “Life’s truest happiness is found in friendships we make along the way” (Author Unknown) Relationships are where we find our best source of happiness, because this is where we get to love and be loved in return; and people who feel loved are happy people.

    So what are you doing sitting there? Share some love! Plan a date with your mate…take in a burger and a movie with a buddy...call those family members you never get to see…plan a hike or swim with your kids! Or for those who dare to live on the edge…INVITE FRIENDS TO YOUR HOME FOR A MEAL!!!! It may just be pizza night, but I can guarantee that pizza with your pals will bring greater happiness than another car payment.

    Flamingo colored Lincolns come and go, but the experiences with our loved ones can bring happiness to our hearts and shared memories that will last a lifetime.

Courageous Conversations( or "Honey, we need to talk!")
February 5, 2010 

 A Valentine's Day Poem
  February 10. 2010